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Green through the Fog

01/31/2013

I was in the depths of despair; the woman who I’d thought was the love of my life had just walked out to be with another man and left me completely broken. I didn’t have a job and my car was getting repossessed, I was sleeping on my parents couch and had to mooch off of them.
I started hanging out with a buddy from high school, and basically sleeping on his couch after he got me a job working with him as a rough carpenter, even though I was just a mule humping lumber, but it was money.
At night we drank, and didn’t stop until we passed out. I’m not sure how we lasted as long as we did burning the candle at both ends like we were but it was a lot of fun.
Eventually the disease that lives inside of me took over. See, I have more than one human frailty, I’m an alcoholic, and I have periods where I just won’t go to work, even getting myself fired. 
So, I got fired from the carpenter, and was back to my parent’s house. 
I decided at the last minute to go with the same buddy to his brother’s house up north and we had a booze filled weekend. 
I kind of devised a plan at that time, but did not tell anyone about it. I’d stay up there, get some shit job, and drink myself to death, because at this point I still couldn’t live with myself or what life had thrown at me.
I knew for a fact that no one would ever love me again, I’m too hard to get along with and I rarely if ever bend to the wind of better judgments.
I got a job as, get this, a bartender at a local resort and had all the equipment to go along with my plan. I gathered a group of rowdy drinkers, and we got into fights with neighboring rednecks and got ourselves thrown into the drunk tank on more than one occasion.
Dying was turning out to be fun, and I went too far, but I’ll get to that, first I need to talk about a watershed moment in my life that happened during all this self-destruction.
I had been without any sort of female companionship for the entire 18 months since my wife had left me and I was ready for at the very least a one night stand.
I managed to convince one of my boozers to get his girlfriend to hook me up with someone and she came through, telling me that she was setting me up with a for sure easy hook-up.
The girl was many things, but easy was not among them, we barely even kissed that first date, and I was no longer interested in just scoring, I saw deeper into her than I was ready for, and I think she saw me bare as well. It scared the hell out of me, but I held on as best I could.
Anyway, back to my self-destruction, I’d been showing up to work drunk and unable to ably do my job and my boss brought me into his office for a heart to heart. He basically tried to be a good guy and steer me in the right direction for help.
I told him to fuck himself and jumped the desk, and got myself beat up in the process. The waitresses had called the police and so I had another night in the tank to boot. 
The next day, when I was shaken awake, I was told by the county attorney that my boss had agreed to not press assault charges on me if I got the help I truly needed.
And so, I joined AA, and went off drinking cold. It was so stinking hard, also because I stopped drinking pop at the same time; I figured I’d go clean all the way.
I discovered a life truth at this point, when you stop drinking and being fun, the boozers that were there through the fun are nowhere in sight when the booze dries up and the fun stops.
I had no one to turn to, and so I was trying to walk that road alone, and I was in danger of falling off when a voice spoke to me through the fog.
It said, in my darkest moment and with startling clarity, “You are the love of my life, I want to be with you, be with me.”
I opened my eyes, and saw the girl I’d been set up with, still there. The words weren’t technically from her lips, but they were in the air between us.
She was there for me, holding my hand during the shakes, holding me period during the decompressing as it were.
12 years later, I look upon my Audrey’s sleeping form and think to myself, “You are my salvation. You are the love of my life, I want to be with you, be with me.”
I’d have died without her, I’d have let go without her, she is the reason for my breathing, she is all my reasons.
It’s funny, I moved up there to kill myself because of a heartbreak, who could have seen a heart mend?
I guess not all endings are what you expect.Image

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