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The wind was strong, and it blew hard enough to rip the flier from my hand.  I didn’t even try to grab for the paper, I only watched it sail away in its irregular patterns on the currents.  I could feel the snot running down from my nose into the whiskers on my upper lip, and it tasted salty as I licked at it.  Garbage cans left out that had been emptied rolled on neighbor’s yards in the strength of the wind.

I had to snap a hand to the top of my head to stop my hat from blowing off, and I began to wonder why I was out in this weather.  It wasn’t cold, nor was it warm, it was only windy, and that was enough to really mess with my sinuses and congestion of the cold I was fighting.

I continued to stand in one spot, watching the cars as they drove by, and enjoying the few birds that had been fooled by this January thaw lazily flapping by.  I knew once I went back inside, there would be no peace or quiet, too many people flitting from room to room, and my head would never know the silence it needed.  I had no place at all to go, in the bathroom, I could hear dogs barking or banging on the walls.  In bed, there was always someone thumping on the floor sending echoes up through my pillow.  At work, there was more than one radio pumping out loud bass notes that drove a sane person over the brink into crazy.

I only wanted to remain in this one silent moment that belonged to me alone, well, me and the wind.  I know they all mean well, they don’t know how to be quiet.  They are only living their lives, and being themselves, and I love them all for it.  I just want one place where I can go, where there is nobody else, just me, and the sounds of nothing around me.  I think I might want one other person there, she is the only one who knows how I feel, and she does her best, but she is human after all.grizz (3)

I know that after a few minutes of silence, I’d only want to return to the hustle and bustle of people, and their voices. I would miss all of the little ones games and constant talking.   I would miss the complaining from the green-eyed one and all her sweetness too.  I hate everyone, but I love a few very much.  I want them to go with me into the silence, even though they would constantly ruin it.

I wonder often, is there anyone else out there who is stuck in this conundrum?  Is there anyone else who wants to be left alone, but also needs the companionship of people?  Why must we be such contradictions within ourselves?  Why can’t we be happy with what he have, and then when we finally get something we think we want, why are we not happy with that?

I’m happy, I guess, to be in love, and that is enough for me.  Quiet and silence be damned, I want to be around them.

  1. This has me smiling.
    Not laughing. But a genuine smile.
    “I want them to go with me, even though I know they would constantly ruin it”.

  2. I don’t know if everyone feels this way but for me there is always that tension between wanting to be loved and needing some time to myself…especially to do my writing or play my violin. We invite someone else into our hearts and yet our hearts are not an empty, vacant space. They are full of dreams, hopes aspirations and in my case, a lot of words which hastilly need to be written down, usually at inconvenient moments. I often have flashes of inspiration while the kids are supposed to be getting ready for school and we end up just arriving in time for the bell. The muse loves to interrupt me at the moment inconvenient times, which can also put a bit of pressure on the relationship side of things.
    By the way, I am visiting your blog from the LPalmer Chronicles.

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